Bittersweet: The First 12 Weeks

"It's easy to believe that having a child is as simple as growing tomatoes: you do the right couple of things, you take your prenatals and avoid caffeine and nitrates, and the universe hands you a perfect life, right on schedule. But if you've ever tried to grow anything - a tomato plant, a baby, anything - you know it's more mysterious and more treacherous than that. It turns out that conceiving and carrying a healthy baby is just exactly like a lot of other parts of life: way more out of our control than we prefer to believe." // Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

When I look back, I am in awe of the Lord's faithfulness. Some of you may remember a post I wrote back in August of 2013 entitled On Waiting and the follow-up post Enjoying Life Right Where We're At in January 2014. In the five years since we have been married, He has turned my hardness of heart in the first two years, to a waiting and patient spirit for the last three years (don't be fooled; it was not easy all of the time!), to the gift of pregnancy and then the sorrowful yet rejoicing heartache in losing our first child at 12 weeks. The Lord has been good and faithful in our rejoicing, and He has been just as good and faithful in our sorrowing.

"When things fall apart, the broken pieces allow all sorts of things to enter, and one of them is the presence of God." // Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

We know all too well first-hand that His timing is absolutely perfect and that our God is good in His sovereignty. In the last 11 years, He has been preparing us along the way through dating and in marriage. Those years were not wasted. We have grown. The other night, I turned to my husband and said, "Could you ever imagine back then what life would look like to this day?" We are thankful that we waited as long as we did to start a family, and even through the joys and the trials, it has been a bittersweet season in marriage.

"Bittersweet is the idea that in all things there is both something broken and something beautiful, that there is a sliver of lightness on even the darkest of nights, a shadow of hope in every heartbreak, and that rejoicing is no less rich when it contains a splinter of sadness." // Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

The eternal hope that we have is our joy, and He is our strength. For when we are weak, He is strong.

He is in our midst, the mighty one who saves. He rejoices over us, quiets us by His love, and exults over us with loud singing.

He sympathizes with our weaknesses.

If God if for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?

Count it all joy, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is being revealed to us.

These aren't just merely promises that were once true. They are true and ring clear today.

We have tasted these promises.

We have experienced grief-filled, God-exalting, grace-abounding joy and hope in glory.

We know that our story is just one story. We are confident knowing full well that the Lord holds all things in the palm of His hand and that He who began a good work in us will bring it to the completion at the day of Jesus Christ. We walk by faith, not by sight.

"I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything's easy. I believe that loss and emptiness and confusion often give way to new fullness and wisdom." // Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

"But if you can find it within yourself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together, you'll find yourself drawn to a whole new place, and there's truly nothing sweeter." // Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

I love reading pregnancy related blogs and find them quite helpful, so I pray the same might be true as we share our trying-to-have-a-baby and first pregnancy memories.

Pre-pregnancy

Throughout our marriage, we have used the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM). About 6 months prior to getting married, I started tracking and learning my body and fertility signs (this book was very helpful). For us, it was like clockwork once we understood what was going on. Fast forward five years, and we have had nothing but a good experience. We are not experts by any means in this area, but I think a lot of times this method is overlooked as an option and there seems to be a lot of uncertainty about its effectiveness in general.

I did a lot of research pre-marriage and had trouble with the ethical/moral/biblical issues with some of the other forms (birth control pills, hormone devices, and the like) and how they work. Not only that, but I hate putting things into my body anyways, and the health implications and risks for short and long-term use were not something I wanted to risk. I know some people don't see or have an issue with these methods, but we decided to go the natural route instead and have been satisfied with that decision for our family.

Last summer, we started not-trying-to-not-have-a-baby if you know what I mean. ;) I started on a prenatal vitamin, and we rolled with it. Fast forward a few months, and we found ourselves ready to be serious about "trying." Not going to lie, there were some tears in those in-between, not-trying-to-not-have-a-baby months. Despite the tears, my husband was ever so gracious and encouraging, always pointing me to truth accompanied by lots of hugs. All it took was one month of being intentional and a whole lot of the Lord's grace.

Pregnancy

We were and still are thankful. I had such an easy pregnancy, at least for those 12 weeks. Even the miscarriage, although hard, was as smooth and calm as it could have possibly gone while I labored and recovered, both physically and emotionally. Pregnancy-wise, I had a little nausea for 1-2 weeks early on, but other than being extra hungry and sleepy, it was a breeze, all things considered.

These are the weeks and memories I never want to forget. I absolutely LOVED being pregnant and look forward to being pregnant again, Lord-willing.

Day 24 - Implantation cramping starts and lasts 6 days. Never painful. Felt like a pulled muscle on and off each day. It made me a little nervous though that it could be my appendix.

Day 25 - Fairly confident about what is going on and think I'm pregnant. Amazed! Our bodies are absolutely incredible!

Day 26 - Grandma Adeline goes to be with her Lord and Savior. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, blessed be His name. Job 1:21. Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight, the clouds be rolled back as a scroll. The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend, even so it is well with my soul.

Day 27/28/29/30 - Baby's first flights and trip to NYC.

Day 32/33/34 - Finally took a pregnancy test and ended up taking three total, one per night for three nights in a row. Those lines are so stinking faint, we hard trouble believe it the first time, but by the third time around there was no denying it. It's official, I'm pregnant! Praise the Lord, O my soul. Such joy. And living sorrowful, yet rejoicing takes on a whole new meaning... How we would have loved to share this news with Grandma Adeline.

Week 5 - Hungry all of the time. Up in the middle of the night to eat. Go to snack items: almonds, cottage cheese and sauerkraut. Yes, I'm German and love my kraut. Apparently, baby does too. #roots

Week 6-7 - More tired than usual. Some cramping (likely the uterus expanding), including waking in the middle of the night. A little nausea here and there resulting in me having to lay down once. Nothing too bad. More that chicken and meat in general do not sound very appetizing. Can't keep myself full. Like ever. Lots of sleep! 10 hours a night when possible. And somehow the below zero temperatures make me gag in the morning when I go outside! Thankfully, that only lasted a week or two. Enjoyed telling our parents the news at Christmas.

Week 8 - Feel great. Cross-country skiing. Life as usual. A few stops at Bruegger's Bagels. Seriously the rosemary olive oil bagels. Yum. Craving cheesecake and key lime pie. Met with our doula. Went to Maui. Baby's first flight over the Pacific Ocean. Hiking. Camping. Snorkeling. Loving some Vitamin D. Can finally sleep through the night without getting up to eat!

Week 9 - First prenatal appointment with the midwife at 9 weeks 5 days. Saw baby's heartbeat flickering on the screen. Things look good. Loving homemade nachos and sleep this week.

Week 10 - Started sharing the news with family and close friends. Loving peach Greek yogurt flax smoothies, strawberry banana Greek yogurt flax smoothies, Five Guys burger and fries, sauerkraut snacks (all I needed was a fork to eat it straight out of the jar!), and lots of sleep with afternoon naps on the weekends. Evening walks. Started wearing maternity pants here and there. Seriously, they are so comfortable! And dresses with leggings.

Week 11 - All things citrus. Grapefruit. Oranges. Still loving smoothies. Warm baths every night after work. Before bed-time snack is now a pumpkin Greek yogurt flax smoothie or some other type of fruit smoothie blend.

Week 12 - During this week, the Lord called our little one home to glory, and he or she is now praising the almighty Jesus. What a lucky little one to be in the presence of our Savior so soon. We continue to live sorrowing, yet rejoicing.

"...sometimes the happiest ending isn't the one you keep longing for, but something you cannot absolutely see from where you are." // Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

Pregnancy Essentials

New Chapter Organic Perfect Prenatal - (although I took a one-a-day Nature Made Prenatal Multi + DHA for about 4-5 months pre-pregnancy). I take them three times a day, and my stomach has never been upset. Special thanks to my friend Skyler for doing vitamin research!

Ancient Minerals Magnesium Oil - Many of us are magnesium deficient and during pregnancy, this can inhibit regular magnesium absorption. From what I have read, magnesium (along with diet) is said to help decrease morning sickness and help with leg cramps, so actually it is a good idea to start using this pre-pregnancy. I try to use the oil when I have time and had very little morning sickness and no leg cramps.

Mother's Special Blend All Natural Skin Toning Oil - Applying once or twice a day after a shower or bath. Extra bonus that it is a good moisturizer during the winter.

Inya May's Guide to Childbirth - Love LOVE this book.

Lots of water and good for you food! And some treats here and there.

Sweatpants to lounge around in.

A blanket in my office for morning naps from 6:45-8 a.m. when Matt would drop me off at work.

Music on repeat - All Sons and Daughters and Rend Collective.

Exercise - Evening walks and skiing.

Anyone else have any recommendations? What were some of your go-to items or pregnancy essentials? I'd love to hear about them for next time around, Lord-willing. ❥

Oh, and side note here - If you are looking for a good read, I totally recommend any and all of Shauna Niequist's books, if that wasn't already obvious. :)