On Waiting

For the first two years of our marriage, I wanted nothing to do with kids. My goals before I turned 30 were quite simple:

Run a marathon.
Ski the American Birkebeiner.
Backpack across Europe.
Not get pregnant.

Seriously. Ask my husband, and he will tell you. He even made us sit in the young families area at church to try and warm me back up to the the idea of children.

But then, I started reading books like Don't Sweat the Small Stuff with Your Family, Becoming Baby Wise, Inya May's Guide to Childbirth, The Bradley Method, and Shepherding a Child's Heart, and through them (and the prayers of my husband), the Lord softened and humbled my hard heart to the point where I wanted to have children.

You can imagine my husband's reaction to the 180 degree change...not quite ready yet. He moved us across church to the other side, as far away from the kids as possible. And now a year and a half has passed since, and along with the passing time has come impatience.

I've been through this waiting season before - 6 years of dating before marriage. Although it was hard and we grew impatient, the Lord's grace sustained us through, and we were married in His perfect timing, not our own.  After seeing His sovereignty and faithfulness in that season of life, how can I doubt His sovereignty now in this season?

So my heart yearns these days. For the desire to be a mother shepherding their young hearts and the desire for His will to be done in and through our marriage.  And to desire both while being content and not impatient. Easier said than done.

All of us struggle with contentment; for me, it's a daily battle.  Elisabeth Elliott's words have become quite dear to me in the last couple of months in what I am calling a season of patient waiting. What a wise source of perspective and encouragement when it comes to waiting on the Lord in any circumstance.

 "1 Chronicles 22:18 - To wait on the Lord is to stand perfectly still...Can we two trust his words, 'Is not the Lord your God with you? and hath He not given you rest on every side?'"

 "Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts... Waiting silently is the hardest thing of all... But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God."

 "A good a perfect gift, these natural desires. But so much the more necessary that they be restrained, controlled, corrected, even crucified, that they might be reborn in power and purity for God." 

"The very longings themselves can be offered to Him who understands perfectly. The transformation into something He can use for the good of others takes place only when the offering is put into His hands."

"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord? Aren't they given to us to offer? How would we learn to submit to the authority of Christ if we had nothing to submit?" 

This time around, by the grace of God, I am embracing this season of waiting with gratitude, offering up my longings to Him so that He can use it for His purposes, our good, and the good of others.

"Let not our longing slay the appetite for our living."  -Jim Elliott

The Lord is giving us this season to adventure, serve others, and prepare for parenthood while we wait. And while it can be hard at times, He is faithful, and the truths of Scripture become even more sweet.

Psalm 33 excerpts
For the word of the Lord is upright,
and ALL His work is done in faithfulness.
He loves righteousness and justice;
The earth is full of the steadfast love of the Lord.
Let all the earth fear the Lord;
Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him!
Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him,
on those who HOPE in His steadfast love.
Our soul waits for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in Him,
because we trust in His holy name.
Let your steadfast love, O Lord,
Be upon us, even as we hope in you.

Psalm 37: 3-5, 7, 23
Trust in the Lord, and do good;
Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
Trust in Him, and He will act.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him;
Fret not yourself over the one who prospers in His way.
The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
when he delights in His way.

Psalm 73: 25-26, 28 
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
But for me; it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord my refuge, 
THAT I may tell of your works."

We've been together almost 10 years now. Sometimes I still can't believe it. But by the grace of God, I am learning and growing in this area of patient waiting. And somehow the young families have started to move now into our previously kid-free section at church. At least we can acknowledge it and laugh, although Matt has mentioned moving sections once again.  :)

Please note: We are asked all too often about when little Kramers will be coming. Just for clarification purposes, we are not trying to conceive right now. This is just a reflection of my heart as of late, and perhaps it may serve as an encouragement to any of you who find yourself in a season of waiting.